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Long before the Swedish, Finnish or even the Viking culture had developed, the Scandinavian Peninsula was populated by the Saemieh, or the Lapps. The Lapps have a hereditary matriarchal monarchy, but once every 200 years, a male member of the Royal Family of Lappland, the Kuksugers, is crowned queen. This hermaphroditic ruler is known throughout the land as the Fzoul. In order to keep his breasts at their proper perkiness, and his vagina lubricated, he may only have sexual relations with the male ovis aries, better known as the domesticated sheep. It is said that the current Fzoul weighs 400 kgs and maintains a diet of dugong and whale blubber. It goes without saying that he is gay.

Early in the current Fzoul’s term, a young reformist cabdriver named Fago of the Fisherlapps (Lappland’s southernmost territory owing it’s name more to the fishy odor of its populace than to any dietary inclination or industrial focus) incited a rebellion. The Fisherlapp rebellion was shortlived however after the Fzoul sought the aid of his political ally at the time, Adolf Hitler. With the help of the Nazis, the army of southern Lapps was decimated and its leader captured. Indentured Servitude to the Fzoul was his sentence (considered by most to be the most cruel of punishments). He now shaves the Fzoul’s harem of sheep and orchestrates the Fzoul’s annual bathing ritual (known as the common shower in the West).

In 1984, Fago of the fisherlapps made a spectacular return spreading all known and unknown veneral diseases to Fzoul and his entire flock of sheep.

Uri: Dude, that fzoul is a sheep shagging faggot.

  • Candyman cries and cries and cries...